Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Short Story here:

The air was suffocatingly hot, and the singed desert gazed nervously up at the sun, which glared menacingly back down upon the desert and all its inhabitants as a snake would at its next kill. Like the rest of the desert, the stranded man looked up at the sky in pleading, praying to whatever deity would listen to allow that cloudless sky to break open, cease the endless tyranny of the sun, and sprinkle upon this forgotten, forsaken land the salvation of rain. The sky, however, held as much indifference for the man’s predicament as the rest of the desert, obliging him nothing as it floated far above his head. Wandering aimlessly, the man felt the sand shifting under his feet like the stirrings of a great behemoth beneath the surface of the earth, and began feverishly filtering through everything he had seen that could possibly give him water, without which he had but another 12 hours.

As he scanned the landscape once and again, he saw nothing save for miles of barren desert. Suddenly, something from beneath the earth shifted on the sand, and his head snapped downward to track and observe the movement of the creature near his feet. A tiny lizard zipped across the dunes, gliding with minimal effort and taking no notice of the man staggering behind him. The man, hoping blindly that this lizard, which he would have thought of as miniscule and irrelevant in any other scenario, would lead him to that which he so very much needed, plodded behind it as it scurried up the dune, with each step taking more energy than the last.

When the tiny lizard scurried into a burrow, the man all but despaired, as he now had no more hope of finding water than before. While he despaired, his desperate mind was frantically searching for something to keep itself going, to give itself a goal to achieve, and save itself from the endless lethality of having no hope of salvation. It snapped at the first opportunity it got.

Atop a magnificent dune the man stood after his chasing of the lizard, looking down upon a great, flat valley of sand. Water. There was water in the valley. Upon seeing this, the man half- charged, half- rolled down the dune and into the flat area, and the closer he got to the water, the further it slipped away, until he had crossed the entirety of the valley to the other side, where the angle of the light changed as it reflected off this newly sloped surface, and the illusion dissipated along with the last of the man’s hope. Light reflecting about the crystalline grains of sand below him in the valley had created the illusory image of water, salvation.

He simply laid down on the hillside, letting the sun char his skin off, not caring any longer if the indifferent environment turned his body into a pile of empty bleached bones. He thought that if his body were turned into a bleached skeleton, it would match his soul, the most crucial part of which, this being his hope, had been wrung out and evaporated by the same brutal rays that now left his body in tatters. The man, like all humanity eventually shall, accepted his place.

4 comments:

  1. Nice story, I liked the alliteration along with the diction. The ending was a nice wrap too.

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  2. I like the message at the end about accepting your place. However, I do have a few suggestions regarding content. First of all, I think the sentence beginning with, "While he despaired..." can be omitted in the name of "show don't tell". I could infer that he was hallucinating pretty well from the following context. Also, I kind of wish something more had happened,(like maybe he imagined something completely ridiculous), just to shake it up. But as far as writing style, I loved the vocab, imagery, and lack of grammar errors. Your story reminds me of this joke I thought was really funny. Take a look at it if you have a spare hour or two. http://longestjokeintheworld.com/ Make sure you don't skip over any of it - it's all important.
    This comment was really long...

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  3. I think it's a pretty good story but I think that more feelings could be incorporated into it. But otherwise nice word phrasing and diction also.

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  4. I found good vocabulary used throughout the story and your diction helped move the piece along. Overall, good story

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