Monday, October 12, 2009
Stream of Conciousness
A valley, a great depression in the earth surrounded by forest, like a muddy footprint amongst the grass that is the trees around it. The clouds are moving quickly above me, rushing across the dim noon sky in long, skinny, light grey streaks. Down in the valley, however, I would feel none of this commotion of life above sea level, only isolation as if I were inside a bubble beneath the earth's surface, with no cares or worries, but also forever being alone and purposeless in life, with isolation greater than any other. As I try to understand the magnitude of this, a drop of rain falls gently on my head, and yet startles me, as I realize just how long I had been staring over this great, muddy footprint.
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I like your use of metaphor and circular structure, coming back to your original point at the end. The syntax you use is kind of confusing, though. You may want to have peers edit your work because it's hard to tell if your own composition is confusing.
ReplyDeleteNice peom. The vocabulary was awesome, and the sound of your sentances, so I think it would make a great poem.
ReplyDeleteThis is really good. Especially all the vocabulary and how you used metaphors. There isn't anything that I see wrong with this piece.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great piece, I really like how you came back to the muddy footprint at the end, it made a good final sentence. Next time, try to make it longer, I really enjoyed it and if it was longer it would be great.
ReplyDelete-Karen
This is really nice. I like how you really get into some deep thoughts, but the end seems ust a little abrupt to me. You're thinking, and then all of a sudden, it startes to rain and you leave. But other than that, it's great!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this piece. I like how you use a lot of symbolism. Maybe next time you could countinue the thought a little longer, and create a larger poem. Also, I like the all the shark photos you have on your blog.
ReplyDelete